I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
