I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
