I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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