Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
