1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
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