I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
