a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
