a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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