Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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