One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize