I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My vagina just clenched in fear
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
