Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize