if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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