just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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