U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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