mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
