I'm jealous of your bromance
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
