11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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