NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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