What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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