I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize