i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
