saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
