you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
