A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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