In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
