this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
