Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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