Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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