You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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