last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
