I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
