y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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