she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
