Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
