we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
