Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize