I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
A bitchslap is in order.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
