Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This is the high leading the old right now
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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