The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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