i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
