Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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