She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
