i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
