Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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