my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
