Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
