i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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