I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
