I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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