i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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