I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
