Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize