I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
