Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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