It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
