oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
