I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
